


ONCE

by immer_mit_dir



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Awkward Mark Lee (NCT), M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-13 06:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16012286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immer_mit_dir/pseuds/immer_mit_dir
Summary: "We had the stars, him and I..."





	ONCE

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the novel and film adaptation of Call Me By Your Name.

 

The day he first arrived was probably one of the least memorable days of that summer. Looking back now, Mark couldn't even remember if it had rained that day, eventually he assumed not since the temperatures were a record high that year. _But who cares about the weather?_ Mark always justified to himself; he'd rather remember the way Jaehyun said 'later' than know what type of clouds hung in the sky, or what flavor yogurt he had for breakfast.

 

That summer had seemed like an eternity ago to Mark now, he remembered how boring it had been before Jaehyun arrived. How annoyed he felt when his father made him move to the guest room so Jaehyun could sleep 'comfortably in an authentic bedroom'. It was only now that Mark noticed he only kept the memories of him and Jaehyun from that summer, everything else didn’t matter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“He seems nice.” Marks mother chirped as the two of them watched the new guy, Jaehyun, and Marks father walk down the hall towards the study.

 

“He seems cocky.” Mark scuffed with a judgement filled smile on his face, “Look at his shoes, only assholes wear those.”

 

His mother laughed and slapped his arm softly, “Don’t say things like that.” She walked off to start dinner with their live in, Doyoung, and left Mark alone in the foyer to watch the new stranger he had to deal with for the next eight weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Later_.

That word was stuck in Marks mind ever since Jaehyun left early from dinner that night. He laid there on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, saying it over and over in his head. He found it a useless word, it was too ambiguous. _When even is later?_ Every time it came from Jaehyuns lips it felt so ostentatious and conceited; only he truly knew when ‘later’ was. It was an arrogant assumption that they would see one another again soon. _When is soon?_

 

Mark flopped around onto his stomach and shoved his face into his pillow. He was determined to not spend another sleepless night focused on the annoyingly handsome man who had stolen his bedroom a week ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The warm summer night air started to move causing the curtains on the window to bristle. After a while the noise started to distract Mark from his attempt at falling asleep, so he slid off the bed in a haze and made his way to the window. As he looked out Mark noticed a small motorbike coming closer to his house. Eventually, it stopped before the gate and left within a minute in the opposite direction. Not a moment late did a dark shadow pass through the courtyard and into the house.

 

It must’ve been Jaehyun. He had the habit of staying out late and then waking up halfway through breakfast.

 

With a roll of his eyes and a flutter in his chest Mark shut his window and flopped back onto his bed. He listened to Jaehyun moving around in the room beside him for a few minutes before his eyelids gave way to the sudden sleepiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What are you thinking about?"

 

_You_

 

"You're not going to answer me?"

 

_If I do, then you'll stop paying attention to me and go back reading that utterly boring paper in your hands._

 

Jaehyun pushed himself up from the stone edge of the pool, his feet still dangling in the water, "Maybe I can get an answer from Doyoung instead. He seems like the type to communicate properly." Mark watched as Jaehyun crossed the patio and made his way to the open door leading to the kitchen. His swim trunks dripping onto the pavement and side of the house as he leaned against the door frame.

 

It didn’t take long for Mark to move from his position of laying on his back to now standing in the grass watching the duo in the kitchen, he kept his eyes on Jaehyun who was laughing with Doyoung. They must’ve been talking about Mark; he saw Doyoung look over at him.

 

Only two weeks had passed since Jaehyun had arrived and he already had everyone in the house wrapped around his pinky finger; everyone except Mark. He was the only one Jaehyun didn’t bother to brown nose and it drove him mad. What was so different about him?

 

Mark crossed the pool and made his way through the French doors that stood on the other side of the house, he made sure that Jaehyun had seen him of course. Inside there was a large room, shelves lining the walls were littered with books and knickknacks. There were a few renaissances looking couches and other pieces of furniture that were gathered towards the center of the room. Marks mom often liked to use the room to entertain guests because of its size and that it contained the one thing Mark was headed towards. A large black piano sat in the back corner of the room near the pair of doors Mark had entered through. As he sat down on the pulled-out stool he noticed its coldness, Mark mentally scorned himself for having barely played that summer.

 

“What are you doing?” Jaehyuns voice made Marks fingers jump from the keys.

 

He turned to face the tall man leaning against the door frame in the exact same way he had just a bit ago, “I’m sitting here, can’t you see.”

 

“Play me something.”

 

“Do you have a song in mind?”

 

“Anything…I don’t know, just play me something you like.” Jaehyun shrugged causing the towel around his shoulders to almost slip to the floor.

 

“As you wish.”

 

A gentle sound from the piano started to emerge as Mark moved his fingers across the keys, his eyes keeping focus of his movements.

 

“What song is that?”

 

Mark shrugged and played dumb, “Dunno.”

 

Jaehyun laughed, “Asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were sitting together, all of them, outside on the patio enjoying breakfast when Jaehyun had to blurt out ‘later’.

 

Mark mentally shot himself at the sound of the word. His eyes rolled over to where Jaehyun was only to see him creeping out of the worn wicker chair. The older man waved his hand out once to signal his goodbye from the rest of the group. In a spiteful manner Mark flicked his hand back as well.

 

After the meal was over Mark secluded himself back into his room. That was until his eyes drifted into his real bedroom that had been taken over by Jaehyun. He stared through the pair of doors that connected both rooms to the shared bathroom, his eyes landed on a crumpled piece of fabric sitting on the edge of the unmade bed.

 

Mark would say that something inside him--an instinct--drew him towards it, that in his right mind he would have never dared to do what he did. But he had a habit of lying to himself.

 

Now standing in the room next to the end of the bed Mark picked up the clothing and brought it to his face. He inhaled deeply, wanting to keep the scent in his memory as long as possible. It smelled of sandalwood and sweat like he expected. The cologne Jaehyun wore was foreign so it always stung at Marks nose whenever he put too much on.

 

He didn’t know how long he had been standing there or how long he had been secretly sniffing someone else’s belongings, but he assumed it was too long because his jaw started to hurt from clenching too long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Go with him Mark. He might get lost again.”

 

Those were the magic words to force Mark out the house and into town with Jaehyun. They rode their bikes together down the long path that led to the main road. On the way there, Mark had pointed out a few landmarks that Mark learned about when was younger so that Jaehyun could find his way on his own at a later time.

 

After Jaehyun had gone to whatever place he needed to go, the two walked around the town square, Mark again pointing out things of relative importance.

 

“You must know a lot about this town.”

  
“Maybe, but I know nothing of what really matters in this world. I can spout poetry, and random facts about history…” _but I can’t tell you about how I wish for you to take my hand and kiss my lips and steal my heart._

 

Mark never finished his sentence out loud but somehow, he felt like Jaehyun knew what he said. The two of them looked at one another from opposite sides of a monument they were walking around.

 

“Then learn. Learn about what really matters in this world.” Jaehyun insisted when they met again after finishing their paths around the monument. Mark looked up at him, in that moment he started to believe Jaehyun actually cared for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was maybe three and a half or maybe four weeks after Jaehyun arrived, Mark couldn’t remember very well, when she showed up. Her thin shirt and tight jeans leaving nothing to the imagination. She held a lot of confidence in her walk though, Mark gave her kudos for that. If she was going to fuck someone might as well be proud of it, right?

 

Mark watched from his bedroom window as Jaehyun walked outside to greet her. Jaehyun had kissed her, wrapped his arm around her waist and headed over to the car she came from. They were gone for a long time; the sun had set, and the moon hit its peak when Mark started to wonder if he should just go to sleep. He was pacing around his room when he heard Jaehyun come back to the house, quickly he shuffled to his bed and laid down. The footsteps in the other room were light and slow, Jaehyun must have thought everyone was asleep; including Mark.

 

He laid there for a while listening to Jaehyun move around the room. He wanted to get up and see him, ask him what had happened with her, why he couldn’t have stayed and done everything with him instead. Though while staying there and staring up at the bedroom ceiling Mark slowly drifted to sleep only to be bombarded with every fantasy he had of Jaehyun in his dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yukhei came over that day; it was one of the hottest ones that summer. The humidity made their skin hot and sticky, Mark had to change his shirt twice that day so that he wasn’t constantly covered in sweat. On the other hand, Yukhei didn’t bother wearing a shirt as he leaned back in Marks desk chair. The wood of the legs creaked against the wooden floor. Both of them were lounging in Marks room while everyone was off doing something in their busy lives.

 

“I’m bored.” Yukhei whined while putting the book in his hands back down onto the desk.

 

Mark rolled onto his stomach to face the other boy, “What do you want to do then?”

 

He shrugged, “Make out?”

 

“Ok”

 

And so, they did. For a long time.

 

Yukhei had gotten up from his chair and moved towards the bed, in the end he was straddling Mark. Their mouths collided effortlessly, their hands roaming familiar places. It wasn’t the first time they had done this, and it definitely wasn’t going to be their last. They had never gone farther than dry humping, and probably never would. While Marks hands cupped Yukheis face, the other boy moved his hands lower towards the hem of Marks t-shirt.

 

Mark pulled away for a second to speak, “Are you sure you—”

 

“Oh, shut up and keep kissing me.” Yukhei pressed his lips back onto Marks, his hands pushing the shirt in his grasp up as far as it could go without them breaking contact.

 

They moved in unison, their bodies moving towards and away from one another. Mark wished he could forget what happened next but Yukhei would never go a day without bringing it up during that summer.

 

 “I almost had sex last night.” That was the first thing Mark said during breakfast the next day. He only said it because he knew his mother wasn’t within hearing distance and he really wanted to see how Jaehyun would react.

 

Marks father almost choked on his mango juice, “That’s nice to hear son.”

 

“Why didn’t you go all the way?” Jaehyun asked after looking up from the papers in his hands. His boldness caused Mark to flush slightly.

 

“Their parents wanted them to come home for dinner.”

 

Mark noticed the faint smirk on Jaehyuns lips and couldn’t help but feel like he knew Mark was lying. How could he tell his father, let alone anyone, that he had came in his jeans from barely nothing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The finals weeks before Jaehyun left ran like a blur in Marks head. He remembers how Jaehyun ran his hand along Marks thigh one night during dinner; he made sure that was the last time they sat next to one another. Mark could still remember the smug look on the others face when Mark went flush, he remembered how he blamed it on allergies even when he had none.

 

He remembered the time at the beach when they ran off away from the rest of the group and ended up surrounded by walls of boulders. Jaehyun and him had kissed for the first time that day, it was chaste much to Marks distaste. He wanted more, and perhaps—no most definitely that is why he grabbed Jaehyuns crotch. He knew he was pushing his limits, but to be fair he didn’t really what those limits were. And when Jaehyun didn’t bother to move Marks hand, he knew he could kiss Jaehyun again; however, when Jaehyun pulled away and said they shouldn’t do this, Mark began to wonder if Jaehyuns limits were relative.

 

Mark remembers the few days when Jaehyun wouldn’t go near him, look him in the eyes, answer his words. When Mark asked about it later on Jaehyun merely told him his was in a funk, but Mark never believed that. The day they started talking again was what Mark really wanted to remember. Jaehyun dragging him into one of the empty rooms on the upper level and pushing him against the cold wall, a welcome contrast to the hot air between them. He could still feel Jaehyuns fingers tracing up the sides of his body, how the slightest touch would send shivers through his body. He could remember the pressure of Jaehyuns lips against his neck, lips, collarbones. Never had he felt such tightness in his chest before as he forgot how to breathe next to Jaehyun. The quietness of Jaehyuns voice as he spoke into Marks ear was everlasting. Those words echoed around in Marks head, rattled his brain and became glued to his heart.

 

As the end of the summer approached, they were now on the back patio of some popular restaurant in another city. Jaehyun had planned to spend his last week in the big city a couple hours from where they had been all summer; however, right before he was going to leave Marks father suggested he go along with Jaehyun. Part of Mark wanted to oppose the option, but the other part longed for such an opportunity.

 

Jaehyun called it the last big shebang before the end of their fling as they made their way to the big city. They had been latched to one another since they arrived, their mouths meeting multiple times a day, their bodies staying up through the night. It was like a dream to Mark, but he knew that no matter how good a dream was he would always have to wake up and face reality.

 

He didn’t want to wake up, but he had to.

 

Mark realized Jaehyun was right all along. He turned to face the man who was dancing on the patio with hundreds of other strangers. His eyes watching the elders’ body move to the music, how his confidence radiated through himself.

 

Maybe they weren’t destined to last until eternity, maybe this wasn’t their love story to live. They were foolish loving on borrowed time, Jaehyun had a life to go back to after this summer; Mark too.

 

It was never bound to last.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two of them were laying there in Jaehyuns bed, they had been for a while now. Marks head rested on the others bare chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was their last morning together, Jaehyun had to catch the train in a few hours that would take him to the airport a few cities away.

 

It was slightly too early for them to be there in the station together, but neither of them cared. _He had to go sometime_ Mark rationalized.

 

The flow of his hair reminded Mark of the ocean waves the two of them had spent watching that summer. The glistening of the elders’ eyes as he spoke reminded Mark of the stifled tears from broken promises the younger kept hidden away so that Jaehyun wouldn’t know he had hurt him. The billowing of his blue linen shirt as it swayed in the wind resembled the curtains of his room Mark had woken up to countless times. His footsteps sounded like Marks heartbeat every time the two of them got close; loud and heavy. He was Marks and Mark was his…

 

…at least for that summer. It was time for him to go, the trains whistle cried out almost as loud as Marks heart as it reached the station.

 

Mark stood there, he watched Jaehyun board. He watched as the train began to leave. He watched Jaehyun turn his head away. He watched as the world he wished he could always live in was dragged away. It felt as though they spent an eternity together, yet their eternity only lasted for a moment. A brief moment in the millions of moments Mark would live through, that Jaehyun would live through. An insignificant speck in their lives.

 

 

 

 

 

It was much later in his life when Mark had thought of visiting Jaehyuns home country. To see what he had made of his life, who he had made it with. Mark ended up standing in the hallway of a university building watching young people rush by on their way to class or some club or maybe even home. To the right of Mark hung a sign next to a door reading:

 

 

**UNIVERSITY PHILOSOPHY PROFESSORS.**

 

 

Jaehyuns name was the third to last on the list. The door led to a room of desks, he stepped in.

 

“Sir, are you looking for someone?” A stout woman asked after she noticed Mark loitering for a bit too long. His eyes scanned the room stopping when they found who they were looking for. An older man with hair starting to grey and a belt that seemed too loose began to walk towards him.

 

Mark stood there, like he did that summer, staring at the man he had longed to see for years. _How many years had it been?_ He thought. Too many. So many years had passed that there was nothing left for them. Jaehyun had spent his life loving richly and enduring happily while Mark wore away as time aged the two of them. Mark was merely a stain in the fabric of Jaehyuns life. He waited--no longed for the other to wave to him with a smile and say ‘later’ like he used to. Mark had kept that word etched into his heart since that day they parted ways.

 

All he wanted was for the man before him to look at him the way he used to and say it.

 

Just once.

 

Once.

 

 

 

But he didn’t. Jaehyun walked right past Mark without a word.


End file.
